You all know the saying, “the best things in life come in small packages”, or “The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart!”. Here’s some Short Funny Quotes about Life that I hope it you laugh.

For a start, here’s some good funny quotes about life
that are short by the anonymous.

“I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.”

“Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times”

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

“It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.”

“Life is just a phase you’re going through…you’ll get over it. ”

“Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. ”

Okay, the second part of this post is some Very Funny Quotes about Life from people who we can nail down, not literally.(Maybe if you’re short!)

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television. ” Woody Allen

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’.” Chris Rock

“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.” Robert Bloch

“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.” Norman Wisdom

“Life is painful, nasty and short… in my case it has only been painful and nasty. ” Djuna Barnes

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Well, there are Quotes about everything and if you’ve ever listened to some quotes about life and love then you might as well listen to some Funny Quotes about Life and Love. I think if you live a proper life then you are either in love, have been in love, but at least you know what that feels like. So a lot of these courts are just going to be about life. To start off, his some Funny Quotes about Family Life.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Doctor Zeus

“If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people.” Thich Nhat Hanh

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom. ” Bob Hope

“If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you’ll be going, ‘you know, we’re alright. We are dang near royalty.” Jeff Foxworthy

“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called ‘Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.” Penelope Lombard

“I can get up in the morning and look myself in the mirror and my family can look at me too and that’s all that matters.” Lance Armstrong

“Perhaps the greatest social service that can be rendered by anybody to this country and to mankind is to bring up a family.” George Bernard Shaw

“I never forget my wife’s birthday. It’s usually the day after she reminds me about it.” Anonymous

“My husband and I have decided to start a family while my parents are still young enough to look after them.” Rita Rudner

“I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.” Groucho Marx

Here’s some more great funny quotes about life.

“Wealth is any income that is at least one hundred dollars a year more than the income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband.” HL Mencken

“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner. ” Douglas Adams

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” George Burns

“Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.” Bill Cosby

“I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussard’s Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, ‘Keep her moving sir, we’re stock-taking’.” Les Dawson

“My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.”

“My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap….He was in the electric chair.” Rodney Dangerfield

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Yes, life can be quite hard in general, but what the heck at least begin have a laugh about it. Here’s some funny Quotes about life being hard. I’ve included a lot of quotes in this about hard work because some people working hard makes for a hard life, poor things … I suppose some of these quotes come down to funny quotes about life and death also. Oh, and there is some inspirational quotes here as well.

“If you shoot for the stars and hit the moon, it’s OK. But you’ve got to shoot for something. A lot of people don’t even shoot.” Robert Townsend

“Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell ‘em, “Certainly, I can!” Then get busy and find out how to do it. ” Teddy Roosevelt

“Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished. ” Leslie Nielsen

“A good rule of thumb is if you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you’ve made a serious vocational error.” Dennis Miller

“I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way.” Franklin P Adams

“Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. ” Anonymous

Okay, to change the subject little bit here’s some funny quotes about single life, well it is hard work isn’t it?

“A friend of mine confused her Valium
with her birth control pills…
She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t care.” Anonymous

“I know what Victoria’s Secret is.
The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.” Anonymous

“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too. ” HL Mencken

“We are the people our parents warned us about.” Jimmy Buffett

“Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.” Helen Rowland

“The trouble with women is that they get all excited about nothing…and then marry him!” Cher

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Most funny Quotes about life are just as they say, funny. But there seems to be something about a famous person saying something funny about life. Here are some famous funny Quotes about life from some famous people.

To start with some funny but true quotes about life.

“Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.” Murphy’s Law.

“I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.”

“When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”.If the bus came would I be standing here?”

“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.”

“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.”

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”

“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.”

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. ”

“When your dreams turn to dust, it’s time to vacuum.”

“Compatible Your money fits in the salesperson’s wallet.”

“There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.”

How about some funny movie quotes about life.

“Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss.” The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

“You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You can swear and curse the fates. But when it comes to the end, you have to let go.” The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

“Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don’t hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday: Especially his head.” Addams Family Values.

“As long as people are still having premarital sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence free environment, I’ll be sound as a pound!” Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery.

And just to close things off a bit here are some more funny quotes about life from movies.

“It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we’ve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, and were wearing sunglasses.” The Blues Brothers, Dan Ackroyd

“Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” Animal House.

“You ain’t leading but two things right now: Jack and Sh*t. And Jack just left town.” Army of Darkness.

I had to put this morning, I know it’s not really funny, but it makes me smile every time I hear it, this one is from Clint Eastwood:

“I know what you’re thinking, “Did he fire six shots, or only five?” Well, to tell you the truth in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself. But, being that this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question, “Do I feel lucky?” Well, do ya punk?” Dirty Harry.

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We might as well have a laugh as we go through life, let’s face it, life is tough enough. So, its always good to listen to some funny quotes about life. Here’s some funny Quotes about living life from some of my favourite people.

To start off with, I want to put down some funny sayings and quotes about life from the pen of Oscar Wilde.

“There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. ”

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world. ”

“A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. ”

“A poet can survive everything but a misprint.”

“All that I desire to point out is the general principle that life imitates art far more than art imitates life. ”

“All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his. ”

Here are some funny Quotes about life from Benjamin Franklin.

“A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. ”

“All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.”

“Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do. ”

And to end, some funny Quotes about college life.

“You can lead a boy to college, but you cannot make him think.” Elbert Hubbard.

“Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.” G. B. Trudeau.

“To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be president of the United States.” George W Bush.

“Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, “If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.” Now, I’m gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. “If it weren’t for my horse…” as in, giddyup, giddyup, let’s go — “I wouldn’t have spent that year in college,” which is a degree-granting institution. Don’t think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!” Lewis Black.

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The older I get, the more I love to get up in the morning, and the earlier the better. I can’t wait for that first bird song that I hear. It makes me feel good to be alive. Life in general is good, I know that sometimes things can get you down but one of the things that I do to cheer myself up is to read some funny Quotes about life in general. The only do these quotes put a smile on my face, they also tend to put things into perspective. Here are some funny Quotes about life that are from three of my favourite people. The first is a comedian that I have loved since my childhood, Eddie Murphy. The second is an author called Charles Dickens … my favourite book was the Christmas Stories. And, finally, a woman I have much respect for, Margaret Thatcher.

First, here are some funny quotes about life from Eddie Murphy.

“I think in twenty years I’ll be looked at like Bob Hope. Doing those president jokes and golf shit. It scares me.”

“I keep telling people I`ll make movies until I`m fifty and then I`ll go and do something else. I`m going to be a professional gentleman of leisure.”

“The thing about kids is that they express emotion. They don’t hold back. If they want to cry, they cry, and if they are in a good mood, they’re in a good mood. ”

Now, onto some Charles Dickens funny inspirational quotes about life. (Some of these quotes are in here because I just love them, quintessential Dickens)

“It was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well,
if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us!
And so, as Tiny Tim observed, “God Bless Us, Every One!”

“Credit is a system whereby a person who can not pay gets another person who can not pay to guarantee that he can pay. ”

“Out upon merry Christmas What’s Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer… If I could work my will,’ said Scrooge indignantly, ‘every idiot who goes about with ‘Merry Christmas’ upon his lips should be boiled with his won pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should”

“Mrs. Varden was a lady of what is commonly called an uncertain temper — a phrase which being interpreted signifies a temper tolerably certain to make everybody more or less uncomfortable.”

“When a man says he’s willin’,” said Mr. Barkis, “it’s as much as to say, that man’s a-waitin’ for a answer.”

Margaret Thatcher

And finally here are some funny quotes about life lessons from the brain of the Iron Lady herself, Margaret Thatcher.

“If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman. ”

“The woman’s mission is not to enhance the masculine spirit, but to express the feminine; hers is not to preserve a man-made world, but to create a human world by the infusion of the feminine element into all of its activities.”

“No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he’d only had good intentions – he had money, too. ”

“Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by traffic from both sides. ”

“On my way here I passed a local cinema and it turned out you were expecting me after all, for the billboards read: The Mummy Returns.”

“Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It’s not a day when you lounge around doing nothing; it’s when you’ve had everything to do and you’ve done it.”

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Somebody once said “Do I give my friends advice? Jesus, no. They wouldn’t take advice from me. Nobody should take advice from me. I haven’t got a clue about anything.” But, I believe that there are enough people out there that haven’t got a clue and we do want to listen to. There are many people out there who can tell you funny life quotes and sayings have been some, that you do want to listen to.

I want to start the ball rolling with some funny life quotes sayings from the eminent Bill Cosby.

“A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he’s in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station. ”

“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”

“As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by “survival of the fittest.”"

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”

“Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you’re telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much. ”

Here is some Jay Leno funny quotes on life and love that I hope you will enjoy.

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”

“According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.”

“Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn’t evolve for another million years. They’re afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?”

“Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night’s Democratic debate.”

And finally, some funny inspirational life quotes from the brain of Sir Winston Churchill.

“Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. ”

“Many forms of Government have been tried, and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of Government except all those others that have been tried from time to time.”

“Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.”

“Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.””

“Once in a while you will stumble upon the truth but most of us manage to pick ourselves up and hurry along as if nothing had happened.”

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What kind of quotes do you live by, if any. There are so many different quotes that can inspire people or motivate people to do something extra special but there are also quotes that can make people laugh. Funny quotes on life are not just about giving people a giggle, they also have a serious side behind them. They are a way of looking at things, a way of keeping things in perspective. They’re also great to be able to quote to your friends and make you sound intelligent!

To start with, I want to look at some funny inspirational quotes about life.

“If you don’t know how to die, don’t worry; Nature will tell you what to do on the spot, fully and adequately. She will do this job perfectly for you; don’t bother your head about it.” Montaign.

“No life ever grows great until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.” Harry Emerson Fosdick

“Life is what happens to you. While you’re busy making other plans.” John Lennon

“An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived.” Herbert Samuel

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you’re still a rat. For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.” Clifton Fadiman

Some funny quotes about life are funny life quotes to live by, others are definitely not.

“Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.” Brendan Gill

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’.” Chris Rock

“No life ever grows great until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.” Harry Emerson Fosdick

Then there are always funny quotes about life lessons. These kind of lessons that only people with experience can tell you, normally people with no bullshit about them at all

“Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” Anais Nin

“What is this life if, full of care, We have no time to stand and stare?” W. H. Davies

“Instead of holding on to the Biblical view that we are made in the image of God, we come to realize that we are made in the image of the monkey.” From The Importance of Living (1937). Lin Yutang

“The cost of living’s going up, and the chance of livin’s going down.” Flip Wilson

“After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say “I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”" Willliam S. Burroughs

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Didn’t somebody say – I love kids, I used to be one, that’s one of the funny quotes about kids that I love. All you have to do is look at child and they can make you laugh… pure innocence.

“Youth is a wonderful thing; what a crime to waste it on children.” George Bernard Shaw.
“When child dies, its corpses are called adults and they enter society, one of the politer names of hell. That is why we dread children, even if we love them. They show us the state of our decay.”Brian Aldiss.
“The child had every toy his father wanted.” Robert E. Witten.
“As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by ‘survival of the fittest.’” Bill Cosby.
“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes, they forgive them” Oscar Wilde.

I think we are all deluded when we were kids we thought everything in the world was fantastic. Okay, everything is not that great but is some funny quotes about kids that should brighten up even the dullest day.

“My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn’t because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.” Bill Cosby.
“One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.” Erma Bombeck.
“There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.”Doug Larson.
“Children suck the mother when they are young and the father when they are old.” English proverb.
“What is childhood but a series of happy delusions.” Sydney Smith.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.” Jim Bishop.

Please leave your funny quotes about kids in the comments section.  Also see our section on funny quotes about life.

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I am going to start this section on funny quotes about drinking with a quotation from the Bard himself, he stays “O God! That men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains.” William Shakespeare from Othello.

Most of us drink at least at one time or another, so, funny quotes about drinking should come naturally to all of us.

“I know I’m drinking myself to a slow death, but then I’m in no hurry.” Robert Benchley.
“I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?” WC Fields.
“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapon, but at the very least you need a beer.” Franks Zappa.
“There are some sluggish men who are improved by drinking, as there are fruits that are not good until they are rotten.” Dr. Samuel Johnson.
“I played drunks I had to remain sober because I didn’t know how to play them when I was drunk.” Richard Burton.

One of the best inventions man ever made was beer, in my opinion, funny quotes about drinking are the second best invention, again only my opinion.

“The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn’t have to attend all those meetings.” Arthur Lewis.
“Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen,” Dave Barry.
“The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.” Jeff Foxworthy.
“Not everyone who drinks is a poet. Some of us drink because we’re not poets.”
“I would never do crack… I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?” Denis Leary.

Please enter your funny quotes about death in the comments section.  See our other sections on funny quotes about life.

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